TW: suicide, suicide loss I lost David on 1/13/2019; 2 1/2 years ago. He took his own life in our home with me there, I came in from outside and found him only minutes too late. As someone who had never experienced a loss of a lover, family member, or close friend, let alone witnessed any person’s death so up close, it has severely impacted my entire existence. Having to remove him from the way he chose to die, then feel a weak pulse but no breath, and perform CPR on him, lose his pulse, and feel like an utter failure because I was a medical professional and certified/trained to do this very thing, it was such a huge blow to my heart; one that I have not recovered from to this day. He was my person, my best friend, my partner of 8 years. We were planning our wedding for later that year and to have a baby after that. We had been in each other’s lives for 14 years and I couldn’t begin to fathom an existence devoid of him, a future that no longer included him in it, or the massive hole his suicide would leave behind in his place in my heart.
I left the medical field and eventually gave up my entire career. I was awarded SSDI six months after his passing. If that could even be considered an “award”.….The only time my heart feels at peace is in nature, either hiking or chasing waterfalls, swimming in rivers, alone and still surrounded by our memories.
I see a regular therapist weekly, have undergone EMDR trauma therapy, have gone through suicide prevention therapy, and a lengthy medication regimen process to find the combination which allows me to function to the best of my ability. Nothing ever stops the waves of grief when they come, or the guilt, or even the anger. I wish more people would be more compassionate with this level and wholly different extent of traumatic bereavement, but I wouldn’t wish this on anyone… I have attempted various ways of healing with psychics/tarot readings (two close friends of mine and one lady who didn’t know me and had no information about David or myself, yet all 3 of them confirmed his presence and his personality although none of them knew him personally). I have attempted participating in suicide prevention and awareness walks and other events. I’ve tried online and in person grief groups… but nothing truly does more than temporarily ease the symptom. Grief is just love with no where to go. Yet my grief and my love for him radiate from me tangibly. I make people uncomfortable speaking about him, or a memory of him. Or I make them uncomfortable in my silence. I have no desire to be with another person or attempt dating. He is still mine and I am still his, as in this life, so will we be in the next, goddess willing.
Thank you for providing this space and for letting us speak our truths without shame. Blessed Be, Jenn